Sermons by Rev. Don W. Vaughn-Foerster
Friends in a Transitory World
Rev. Don W. Vaughn -Foerster
Unitarian Universalist Church of Sarasota, FL
January 21, 2007
This is a friendly church. Many people here go out of their way to make others welcome. At least on Sunday morning, they do. However, for many people, life in general has gotten to the place where Sunday morning friendliness is not enough. And, even if efforts at Sunday morning friendliness were 100% effective, we all need contacts which provide not just a respite from loneliness that Sundays may provide. We need continuing contact that put us into meaningful relation with people.
This is precisely what the modern world does not do for us. What our world does is pattern us according to its own structure. It demands specialization and narrowed attention. It demands that we be mobile. It makes us into faceless Dilberts, confined to our own cubicles, and then it demands that we be interchangeable. Because of our interchangeability we find ourselves moving from town to town, job to job, and neighborhood to neighborhood -- always readjusting among strangers.
None of this leaves much room for stable social life. The result is that the better we make it within the social structure, the less likely we will relate warmly with other people. One day we wake up and realize that this is the fifth city, the ninth neighborhood, the fourth church, the eighth job we've been in since we became adults. And, unless we are lucky, this process doesn't stop even after we retire. And, even if we've grown up in this area, we find that the town, church, jobs, and people have been changing around us and our world is almost as different as if we had been moving around ourselves.
In either case, suddenly, we are aware that our family ties are sagging and that our old friends are becoming distant and fuzzy in our mind. Suddenly, we are aware that our highly structured society has separated us from our natural families and tends to drive us into isolation and alienation.
This existential situation is true for many in this church. In fact many of us try to use this church as a buffer against depression and loneliness. And, for some, it has become a source of friends and comfort and has made life possible on warmer, fuller terms -- but for much fewer than need it. It is hindered for two basic reasons: one is its function to serve more than just the interpersonal need, and the other is its size does not easily accommodate our need for personal relationships. These two things can become so fuzzy in our thinking that we often end by expecting from the church that which it cannot give.
On function, regardless of how much we need personal relationships, the church doesn't exist just to provide community for its members. It has an institutional character. People know they need community, but not just any community. In fact, most people first come to church for intellectual, ethical, or spiritual reasons. It is only after they are reassured on this level that its community begins to appeal to them. To treat the church so much as "community" that its intellectual, ethical, and spiritual concerns are trivialized can eventually make it into only a private club. Even lonely people - especially lonely people - can be put off by that. It is essential that the institutional character of the church be the ground out of which community grows. It doesn't work the other way around and be a church. A paradox arises when people who need community the most are the most put off by an "in-group" community that exists before they arrive. And, also, whether we acknowledge it or not, the church is not a place to go to satisfy our own personal needs on our own terms. Being part of a congregation requires something from us.
The second reason this church is an effective buffer against isolation for fewer than need such a buffer is its size. UUCS, clearly, is too large for easy intimate association. When a group gets to be much more than a dozen individuals, it cannot persist without structured - and somewhat depersonalized - ground rules for participation. That's the difference between a family or a clan and a tribe. In a family or a small clan, individuals can conduct themselves on a person to person (one to one) basis. In a tribe, the major relating is through designated leaders. A church this size can be a good tribe, a place for families and clans to gather, but it can't itself be much of a family to everyone, except in a symbolic or an abstract sense.
But we are right in thinking that a church - and certainly UUCS - can be of great help in enabling us to cope with loneliness and isolation. What is required is a means of promoting personal closeness between those who desire it but yet leaves UUCS free to be a place where others can come without feeling co-opted or emotionally usurped. The issue is how the church can be a broker to bring us together without making it a tyrant in our interpersonal relations and without destroying its necessary objective institutional character.
Random and spontaneous friendships have always occurred here, and will continue to occur. But, beyond the capacity of committees and task force groups to bring small groups of people together, in interpersonal terms this process is unstable and unpredictable. Yet, there is another, more systematic way of doing this - a way that many UU churches are using and that is already established here as the Small Group program. In a few moments some participants in this program will share some of their experiences with you, so I will just give you a general outline of how it works. You'll find a short, descriptive paragraph in this morning's Order of Service announcements.
Small Groups, here at UUCS, is a way for people to get to know one another. The idea was inspired by the UUA's Covenant Group program but is adapted to the ways and needs of this congregation. Here, essentially, the groups are formed around a common interest. Since this is a program of the church the groups are expected to do something significant for the church while they exist. This usually is a volunteer project like planting a tree, signing up to do special work on the grounds or buildings, or helping some congregational project succeed, The members of the group decide what they will do and how and where they will conduct their meetings. The significant thing is that these groups do all this because they are members of UUCS. These groups last for as long as those within the group agree to pursue their interest together. A group can form whenever someone takes the lead and says, "If you want to go to movies with others, or do gardening, or read and discuss books or periodicals, or pursue a more personal approach to spirituality, or simply get together and philosophize about (if not solve) the problems of the world, then let's meet and start doing so for as long and as often as is agreeable amongst us."
A much better way to know what the Small Groups are is for persons involved in them to share their experiences and aspirations with you. First, we will hear from Helen Laughlin, then from Lisa Kramer, and then from Sue Sherman - who have been deeply involved personally in UUCS's Small Groups.
[Helen, Lisa, and Sue speak in turn.]
Thank you, Helen, Lisa, and Sue. There will be a table in the courtyard where you can get more information and, perhaps, even start the ball rolling for a Small Group for your own interests.
Another remark before we leave. The Small Groups here at UUCS are set up to be as personal or impersonal as their participants desire. Given the great need many of us have to find friends in a new town and in a new phase of our lives, these groups have already shown themselves to be supportive. The first and main thing you can find in them is a selected group of people who share one of your interests. That is a good place to find friends. Whether that happens or not, of course, is up to compatibility and chance. But, at least this way, there may be a higher chance for compatibility.